After deciding I was a panentheist, I dabbled in different "spiritual" types of thoughts, including, Buddhism, The Law of Attraction, and looking at the workings of the natural world as a kind of magic. Buddhism lite was, and still is, most appealing to me. It is more a way of living and attitude than anything requiring specific beliefs. I also began to watch youtube videos put out by atheists and read atheist blogs. More and more, I began to see that I didn't actually believe the universe was anything more than the sum of its parts. It didn't have some kind of all encompassing consciousness or supernatural elements. I was just reluctant to give up my belief in the supernatural. January 2014, I said to myself, "I guess I'm actually an atheist."
Nothing happened. The world didn't fall apart. I wasn't sad or angry. I was relieved, and I felt as though I had attained a kind of freedom and enlightenment. I didn't know how to tell my husband. He was still very much a christian. In fact, he had recently announced in a bible class that he would kill our children if god appeared to him and told him to. I had been furious with him at that and yelled at him in front of everyone. I decided I would start disengaging myself from participation in church classes and functions,over the course of the year. My husband never noticed the difference.
January 2015, I felt like I would be dishonest to continue letting my husband think I was a christian. He was not picking up on subtle hints. So I told him. It did not go over well. He wanted someone to blame and couldn't believe I had come to that conclusion through my own efforts. I tried to have discussions about what I had learned about the bible, history and science. He was incredulous. He tried using every tired cliche apologetic argument for god that exists, including "look at the trees." He refused to read any of the books I had read. Instead, he started reading apologists like William Lane Craig and Peter Hitchens. He became uber-christian, sitting in front of me with his bible open at all hours, a thing he had never done before. If I tried to have a discussion about atheism, it would end with us yelling and him telling me his world was falling apart.
I couldn't talk reasonably to my husband about this state of affairs, so I started sending him long messages and links to articles, in my Facebook messages. He quit going on Facebook. Now, we have come to a point where we do not talk about it at all. He acts like he pretends that nothing has changed. He maintains a position in church leadership that he would not have if it were known that I am an atheist. I no longer sing in worship services, speak up in bible classes, pray, or participate in most extra functions. I sit in the back of classes and read on my ipad, if I can. Nobody seems to care or be too put out by my non participation. My body is still present, so I guess they think that means I'm still a member in good standing. I continue to read, study, and learn. For me, there is no going back to what I once believed. I know too much. I don't know how long I will need to attend worship services, but for now, it keeps my family together. Maybe in the future, I will feel more free to come out of the proverbial closet.
I am currently living in the bible belt. I frequently see "friends" posting derogatory remarks about atheists on social media. Besides my husband, maybe one or two people know I am an atheist. There are no atheists in my social circles. I participate in a few online communities where my atheism does not matter.
Out of necessity, I have left out a great many details of my life as a Christian and my process of becoming an atheist. It would have taken up too much space and time and probably bored you to tears. I think I covered the most pertinent parts. Next time, I want to talk about what makes the church of christ unique and why it is so hard for me to physically leave.
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