Hello, I have briefly mentioned that there has been a terrible tragedy and I have lost someone very near and dear to me about two months ago. My heart is not just broken, it is shattered. I have been trying to navigate daily life through my intense grief, just managing to hold on to my sanity. I apologize for not giving details, but I don't think that is necessary, nor will it serve any purpose to examine the circumstances of the death. It wouldn't change anything. They are still dead. No reiteration of the past can change that.
I am still having crying jags and emotional meltdowns. I've seen a grief counselor twice. She was not very helpful, but I don't blame her, what can she do. What is done can't be undone, what is shattered cannot be fixed, the dead cannot be brought back to life. I was a little frustrated at the counselor though. Both sessions, she asked me about my loved one and if I could feel their presence, what I thought had happened to their essence, and if I was receiving messages from them. I thought this was inappropriate. She was under the impression that I was a "spiritual" person. I had to tell her I was not religious and she said that would make it harder for me to recover. She also attempted to question why I was not a believer.
Does it make it harder to grieve as an atheist, or just different? Is it even different at all? Does the severity of grief depend on the closeness of the relationship more than religious beliefs? What about the personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and life experiences of the griever? What about the circumstances surrounding the death? Does religion help when the death was sudden, unnecessary, and not understandable?
One thing the counselor got right is that I have had a traumatic shock. Apparently I have also entered a stage of what is known as "complicated grief." That seems so obvious as to almost be insulting. Duh.
I'm reluctant to go back to that counselor, or any counselor for that matter. I have tried multiple methods of distraction, action, and reaction. They might help for a time but they quickly become useless as a means to ease the pain. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs of any kind. I have very few responsibilities to occupy my time. I did get a part time job, but it consists of 4-10 hours a week. For now I have decided to do what comes naturally to me and turn to books. Over at the Roll To Disbelieve blog, I asked for book suggestions to deal with grief as an atheist. I received two. The first was Zen without Zen Masters.
I ordered the book and set about reading it by just opening it to a random page. You can do that with this book because each page is self contained. There is an illustration or mini lesson on each page. I had been pre-warned that it was a bit irreverent. I didn't find it insulting, but it was more flippant than what I needed. Also, there was more about sex than I expected, which was not relevant for me. The most helpful part was near the end, describing various meditations and exercises other than the ones popularly thought of when we hear the words. I would like to examine these more. 1. Breathing meditation 2. Moving meditation. 3. Walking meditation 4. Transcendental meditation. 5. Daily exercise (live in the day) 6. Being exercise (become part of a particular cultural experience) 7. Candle exercise 8.Decisive exercise (using CAN achronism to help decide what to do) Etc.
The book's main message seems to be: Do not take yourself too seriously. Very hard for me right now under the circumstances. However, I do want to explore a buddhist approach to death and grieving. I found help in some Buddhist philosophy as I was deconverting from Christianity. Maybe it will be of some use again. I checked out a book from my library, called The Five Invitations: What Death Can Teach us about Living. I didn't realize at the time that it was also written by a Zen Buddhist. It has already given me much to think about which I will probably discuss later.
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