It's time for me to go. I've been putting my thoughts on the bible out into the ether for about five years now. It started out as an antidote to my religious conditioning and an outlet for things I wish I could say out loud. At that time, I was a closeted atheist attending a church of christ. My husband was the only person in the world who knew I was an atheist and he was not happy about it. I was more than a little afraid for my future, having been socialized to believe I would be shunned and abandoned if anyone ever knew what I actually thought about god, the bible, and religion.
I kept this blog anonymous and unfunded, even though it kept me in the no man's land of the Google algorithm, because I didn't want it to affect my personal life in any way. I didn't care how many viewers I got, but have been pleasantly surprised throughout the years. My blog's map shows me I've had readers from every continent. (Hello, to my regular visitors) However, I never received any comments on my actual content. Just a bit of spam now and then. That's okay. It actually made me less self conscious and willing to ramble on.
My life and the world have changed over the last five years. I feel that I have covered everything I needed and wanted to discuss about the bible in this blog. I'm no longer attending church and have no plans to ever go back. I have friends and family members who know I am an atheist and have not abandoned me. However, I still feel the need to exercise caution when speaking about religion. My husband is still not happy about it, but he pretends it is a non-existent issue. My fear is not as great as it once was, but my sorrow has increased a hundred fold. I have lost someone very dear to me.
Because of my loss, I have had to make some monumental life changes and mental shifts. My psyche has been in emotional turmoil for over six months. I really should find a therapist that I can work with, one who won't "bimble off into woo woo land." I've shed a lot of former activities and associations, clearing my way for a future that is still a mystery to me. I have plans to finish my education and do a little travelling. I also want to move away from an area which has not been good for my mental health. In the spirit of trying new things to see what sticks, I bought myself a ukulele.
Existential angst is a powerful thing. I suspect embracing it might be easier and healthier than resisting. We'll see. In the meantime, the earth has been well watered with my tears. Life is strange. I can wake up in the morning and appreciate the beauty of my world, hear the laughter of people I love, and even laugh a little myself. Yet still I walk around with a broken heart and the certain knowledge that we are all but space dust. The universe and time care nothing for my tears.
To my friends and family, should you ever find this blog: I have been as honest in these pages as I know how to be. If anything I have written gives you pain or sorrow, know that it was not my intent. I was writing what I saw as true at the time.
To my children, should you ever find this blog: I love you dearly, more than words can tell.
Rest in peace my dear one.
AG
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